


Worst flatmates ever

by unknownlifeform



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Domestic, Gen, Humor, M/M, Minor Reno/Rude (Compilation of FFVII), Pre-Advent Children (Compilation of FFVII), Roommates, Slice of Life, rufus shinra is chronically ill in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownlifeform/pseuds/unknownlifeform
Summary: Four Turks, the President of what remains of Shinra, and a guard hound have to share a house, at least until Rufus Shinra isn't dying of Geostigma anymore and they have decided what their next moves will be. Tseng is not having fun.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	Worst flatmates ever

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Advent Children and all I could think about was how apparently Rufus and Turks had to share a house. Also Dark Nation is around because I think those catdog demon things are good boys and need more love

"Place's cozy," Reno said, looking around.

"I'm glad you enjoy it, because we'll stay here a while," Tseng replied. At least until Rufus managed to heal from Geostigma, if a cure existed. If it didn't, then they would work until they managed to find it.

Speaking of Rufus, he was wheeling himself in, with Dark Nation limping behind her master. The guard hound had somehow survived Meteor, but had lost a leg and got more than a few injuries. She was in no state to protect Rufus now, and Rufus's illness put him out of commission when it came to fighting.

That was why the four remaining Turks would have to share the place with him now. There were many people who would love to have Rufus Shinra's head, and a good number who had enough resources to track him down. The Turks couldn't allow to leave him alone while incapacitated.

While without doubts the best solution, Tseng was finding himself dreading the idea of being roommates with the rest. He had shared quarters with all of the others before, be it an hotel room during a mission or in Rufus's old place, but this was different. They'd have to live together for an undefined amount of time, in a house that was reasonably sized and not the mansion Rufus used to live in. It promised to become the most stressful living situation he'd had to deal with in years.

Reno made to plop down on the couch, but Dark Nation beat him to it, awkwardly climbing on and stretching out.

"Gee, could have left some space, you know."

"Help us make sure the place is secure before sitting down," Rude said.

Reno sighed. "Yeah, yeah, gotta make sure it's not bugged, I know."

***

"I think I should get my own room. I mean, I'm the only woman here. It would be fair," Elena said, arms crossed.

"And what, we're all a bunch of perverts? We're professionals, we won't go snooping through your panties drawer," Reno replied. "And I call dibs on the single room."

"And why should you get it?"

"I sleep naked."

Elena pulled a face. "Of course you do."

"It wouldn't be professional for me to sleep in the same room as someone else while I'm naked, would it?"

"And we all know you are the image of professionalism," Rufus said, face resting on his hand. "That being said, I point out house is my property, and I'm your employer. It would stand to reason that I take the single room."

Day one, and they were already arguing. Tseng had hoped they would be able to act like the adults they were supposed to be, and quietly decide how to split the only three rooms in the house, and not whine like a bunch of spoiled teenagers who had never had to share a place with someone before.

Well, Rufus was not a teen, but the rest of the description fit.

At least Rude seemed as annoyed by this argument as Tseng felt, and did not try to give reasons about why he should be the one to room on his own. Tseng suspected it was because he simply couldn't think of a good one. And Planet knew, if Tseng had had a good excuse to get the single room for himself he would have.

"Elena can get the single room," Tseng said, deciding it was time to put an end to this before someone drew weapons. "Reno and Rude can share one room, and you can learn how to sleep in underwear. The third room would go to myself and the President. Can we agree to this solution?"

Rufus raised an eyebrow. "Why should we share, Tseng?"

Tseng smiled his fakest, most corporate smile. "With all due respect, sir, the doctors have recommended someone stay with you at all times. As the current head of your security, it would be my job."

Actually, Tseng was just sure Rufus would be the least annoying possibility. There was no way he was sharing a room with _Reno_.

Rufus appeared to have no way to counter that reasoning, although his face promised revenge. Tseng would have to be ready when it came.

***

"Whose turn was it to do the dishes?" Tseng asked.

All eyes in the living room went to Elena. She had been cleaning her gun, and her motions slowed down significantly when Tseng spoke. Not that he had actually needed to ask, the turns were written on a piece of paper on the fridge.

"Sorry, sir," she said.

"This is the second time this week."

"The other time was when we thought someone was attacking us, and I-"

"And today's excuse?"

Elena looked down. "I had been meaning to take care of my weapons for a while, and after lunch I forgot about the dishes and went to work."

"How dutiful. Too bad cleaning your weapons is not something you were explicitly told to do."

"I'll go now, sir," Elena said, putting down the various pieces on the coffee table.

"Good."

"How does it feel, Tseng?" Rufus asked, as Elena left the room. "All your life climbing up ranks, and now you have to use your authority to scare people into doing small, domestic chores."

Tseng did not answer. Because it felt about as horrible as it sounded. The leader of the Turks had been a terrifying figure, back when the Turks were more than four people locked in the same house. One would think doing the dishes wouldn't be a worse job than any of the ones Tseng had ordered them to do through the years, and yet he had received less complaints about dropping a whole Plate.

He never thought he'd miss assassination jobs as much as he did now.

***

"Reno! Get out of the bathroom!"

"What's going on?" Tseng asked, coming out of his bedroom to find Elena punctuating every word with a kick to the bathroom door.

She immediately ceased her assault when she saw Tseng. "I apologize, sir. Reno has been in there for twenty minutes now."

Sure enough, Tseng could hear the sound of running water.

"We have two bathrooms."

"The President's in the other."

Surely also taking an eternity getting himself pretty. And Elena was more willing to scream at Reno than at their boss.

It would be a lie to say Tseng hadn't gotten annoyed, in the past days, by how Reno seemed to attempt to drain all the hot water in town every time he took a shower. Tseng thought it was about time to remind his men he was not above using physical punishment if needed.

He went to the kitchen, where the centralized water heater was. He turned it off.

The scream that came a few seconds later was the most satisfying sound Tseng had heard in weeks.

***

Tseng had learnt not to mind the guard hound walking around the house. While intimidating, Dark Nation was well trained, and would never harm any of them, not without Rufus's orders at least. She wasn't that different from a large dog, or extremely large cat. Whether guard hounds were more canine or feline was still an ongoing debate.

The crunch of something being broken under strong teeth, however, was concerning.

"What do you have?" Tseng asked, knowing it could not be any actual food item.

Dark Nation blinked at him, and then hobbled away as fast as a guard hound with three legs and various sensory issues could.

Tseng got up from his chair and followed her. "Let it go."

Dark Nation growled, trying to turn her head away from Tseng. He had to sit down and nearly wrestle whatever it was she held out of her mouth. It must have been an incredible betrayal, in her opinion, because she turned away from him and went to sulk in a corner.

Tseng looked down at what she had taken. While slobbery and rather bent, the object was still recognizable as a pair of sunglasses.

"Rude," Tseng called. "Lost something?"

Rude, sure enough, was wearing a different pair on his face. How many identical sunglasses Rude owned was something Tseng had chosen not to investigate.

"Thanks, sir," Rude said, picking the ruined ones from his hands. He then walked off, towards Rufus and Tseng's bedroom, and Tseng heard him issue a very official sounding complaint to their boss regarding Dark Nation.

Tseng decided he was not going to get in the middle of the ensuing argument. Things Dark Nation had chewed on included multiple items of clothing, a wooden spoon, various chairs, and Reno's baton. Every time, Rufus's reaction was to just hand them a few gils and tell them to replace whatever had been ruined.

Tseng knew Rufus could have trained Dark Nation out of that habit. Guard hounds were known for their intelligence, and Tseng had not missed how none of the things she tried to eat ever belonged to Rufus. He also hadn't noticed how Rufus never really bothered to punish Dark Nation for any misbehavior, not since she had almost died.

If only Rufus cared about other human beings as much as he cared for his pet, a lot of headaches in Tseng's life would have been avoided.

***

Tseng walked in the bathroom, took one look at it, and walked back out.

"Reno!"

"Yeah?"

"Is there a reason if it looks like someone bled out in the sink?"

"Had to touch up my roots, I'll come clean it!"

Tseng hoped so. Aside from the fact it was only fair for Reno to clean up his own mess, Tseng didn't want to put his hands into that. He had no idea what all the various products left around were, and that dye would be impossible to scrub out if even one drop of it came into contact with his clothes.

Reno came out of his room, fixing the three buttons of his shirt he ever bothered to close. "How'd I look?" he asked, grinning.

_Like an idiot_ , was what Tseng wanted to say, but he had long since given up on getting Reno to pick a less flashy color. At this point, it would just look wrong to see him in anything other than that obnoxious red.

Instead, Tseng smiled. " You'll better make sure it doesn't leave permanent stains."

***

Tseng had been aware for a long time that there was something of undefined nature going on between Reno and Rude, and he did not care. So long as they did their jobs, Tseng did not have a problem with it, and given it was very unlikely either of them would ever be ordered to execute the other, there was no reason to put a stop to it.

If he didn't notice immediately what was going, it could be blamed on sleep deprivation. Rufus's Geostigma had been acting him up the previous night, and Tseng had stayed awake, unable to sleep while Rufus tensed in pain he tried to hide and kept getting up to wipe black  ooze off himself. For all intents and purposes, Tseng had not slept in more than thirty-six hours, and if he heard noises from the living room at midnight he assumed it was Dark Nation playing.

It was not.

Tseng did not flinch, nor curse, the moment he walked in the living room. He just closed his eyes and loudly cleared his throat, already trying to burn the image of Reno's mouth on Rude's chest from his mind. The twin, panicked ' _fuck'_ s he heard told him he had been noticed too.

"That's a common area, right?" Tseng said, conversationally.

"Yeah."

"It is, sir."

"And the two of you have a room you share."

"We do, sir."

"Yeah, I mean bed gets kinda boring after a while-"

Tseng cut Reno off before he could hear more. "Keep it in there."

With that, Tseng walked back to his own room.

Rufus looked at him from over the book he was reading. "What was going on?"

"I don't think you want to know, sir."

***

"Tseng, I propose we make a few changes to the cleaning schedules."

Tseng rose his eyes from the day's newspaper, turning to Rufus. "What changes?"

"I think you should clean the bathrooms more often."

Tseng raised an eyebrow. Rufus did much less cleaning than any of the others did, and he almost never had to deal with the bathroom, and therefore had no reason to care about that schedule. Tseng felt he was missing something. "And why is that?"

"Because, Tseng, there are only two people in this house who are dark haired, and I'm fairly sure it's not Rude's hair that keeps clogging the shower drain."

Elena choked on her coffee, and looked away, pretending she had not been the one to make that noise.

"...That sounds fair," Tseng said, because he really couldn't argue with that.

***

The burnt smell immediately put Tseng on high alert. He relaxed partially when he noticed it was coming from the kitchen, at which point he went from worrying if the house was on fire to wondering who was trying to cook at eleven in the evening.

He was somewhat shocked when he found Rufus frowning down at a pan.

"Sir?" Tseng asked.

Rufus glared at him. "Go on. Laugh."

"I wouldn't dream of it." He was far too professional to laugh at his superiors. "May I ask what was going on?"

Because Rufus Shinra cooking was a contradiction. That man had been used his whole life to have someone take care of things for him, coupled with old man Shinra's ridiculous ideas of what a man's role in the house was. Even during his house arrest, Rufus had always had someone come and make him three meals a day. Tseng was fairly sure Rufus's cooking skills amounted to microwaving things.

As a matter of fact, Tseng doubted Rufus had ever had learnt anything about housekeeping. Except maybe how to successfully get blood out of a murder scene.

"I attempted to cook," Rufus replied, as if Tseng had annoyed him with such a ridiculous question.

"And what were you making?"

"Pancakes, You can leave, Tseng, I'll clean up."

And now Rufus was irritated by having had someone witness his minor failure. Others knowing he was anything less than perfect was unacceptable.

Tseng, however, was of the idea that Rufus's decision to try and make himself food rather than ordering someone to do it for him should be rewarded. He also had no idea how long had Rufus been standing, but his face had turned a concerning shade of grey and he was leaning heavily against the counter.

"Please sit, sir," Tseng said, walking up to the stove.

"I told you I can do it, Tseng."

"I don't doubt that, but it would be a waste to throw this away," Tseng said, and held up the bowl that still contained some batter. At least that looked fairly well done, so Rufus had not gone completely wrong.

"You'd make a great housewife," Rufus replied, and sat back in his chair.

Making pancakes for his boss was not how Tseng had planned his evening, but he was nothing if not an adaptable man.

Soon enough, the smell of food drew in the other three Turks, and if Tseng knew one thing about his men and singular woman was that none of them would ever pass up to opportunity for a free meal. Even if it was well after dinner time. Elena even offered to make more batter.

"How come you're being so generous, boss?" Reno asked, after Tseng had resigned himself to cooking for all of them.

"Just accept the early midnight snack."

Reno didn't need to be told twice.

It was downright bizarre. Tseng at the stove with his sleeves rolled up, Elena telling Reno she had no idea how he could stomach something with all the maple syrup he used, Rude already in his sleep clothes, Dark Nation begging for a piece. It was... It was straight up domestic.

Which was absurd. The five of them were schemers, spied, murderers. They could barely be considered friends. Maybe Reno, Rude and Elena could, but Rufus, for sure, did not think of anyone as a friend. Tseng had always done his best to be distant and detached, and if through the years he had ended up growing fond of his coworkers, he had kept it for himself, and never let himself go soft. They were Turks, and he was their leader, and being friendly with his subordinates would have been unprofessional at best, a liability at worst.

And yet, for all intents and purposes, right now they just looked like a normal group of roommates spending an evening together.

Tseng decided to let them have it for this evening. They could all use to unwind a little. But he'd have to find something to lecture them about tomorrow, or they might end up questioning his authority soon. Or, well, _more_ than they already did.


End file.
